Claire Swankie, my poetry

I’m krampus, the anti Santa, the devil of Christmas
On the 5th of December I do the rounds with St Nicholas
Black matted hair but tonight, it’s neatly brushed,
teeth looking sharp, all shiny and flossed.
Horns (to a very high standard) perfectly polished!
It’s true, I used to eat lots of naughty little children
But I sickened myself, so I don’t eat them often!

I know it’s horrible but it was 1893 I couldn’t go to the supermarket or order in from just eat
Hunting was off putting, eating animals that remind me..of well…me
Cloven hooves, not to mention the time that it took!
There were no microwaves back then, 5 minutes, a ping, tv dinner done!
I used to swat kids, with bunches of birch sticks
But it’s the 21st century and thankfully things have moved on a bit
My brother from another mother, old saint nick, he was threatening to end our century’s of friendship!
He said, “it’s about time you got a grip, you canny beat weans up with great big sticks!
You have become a parody of a pantomime villain, the pied piper hasn’t got a look in!
Eating kids? It makes me sick! You need to capture a new sack of tricks!”

I’ll run through your house on Christmas eve
Invisible of course you won’t see me
I’ll steal your remotes of your wrapped up tv’s
And make sure you have packets of dead batteries!
I’ve an evil element, I’ll break the thermostat in your oven
Your food may be raw, cold burnt maybe luke warm, with the thermostat broken there is really no way of telling!
You come down the stairs to a wet carpet
The freezers defrosted, switched off at the fuse box
Salmon and prawns, they are off
The ice cream now a puddle of strawberry sauce.
In the kitchen you make a black cup of tea, shuffle into the livingroom and sit on the settee, look up, it’s hard to believe not one bloody needle on the pine tree….

I meticulously picked everyone of them off but the very best saved oh the piece de resistance!
In the fridge, old blue moulded stilton, unappetizing pretty disgusting. I start hatching the most evil plan, I begin to unscrew the curtain pole end, pushing the stilton in as far as I can….
By new year the offensive aroma dances hard-core on your nose
The stench has you searching high and low
And you clean so often…
“WHAT IS THAT SMELL AND WHERE THE HELL IS IT COMING FROM?”
You decide there is only one thing to do
I CANNY HACK IT, WE JUST NEED TO MOVE!
Everything’s packed and your ready to go, you shout to your hubby “DON’T FORGET THE CURTAIN POLE, it will look cracking in our new home..!”
St nick will bring you tinsel and cheer
I’ll savour your liquor and steal all your beer
We sit half cut grining from ear to ear
Finally they work out, IT WAS ALL ME!!
The irony is this, they reminiscent do you mind when krampus was nice at Christmas? If the kids were bad he would spank them, if we were really lucky he would take the little monkeys away, oh how I remember those were the days

A place of peace

I am krampus!

Intro